One Year Fire Anniversary

I can't believe it's been a year now since our lives changed. A year ago today, Kaili and I got a phone call from her sister telling us that our home was on fire. Everything is still so vivid and while I haven't really shared much about it since that day, I feel that a year later maybe it would be good to share in case you're interested.

At the time we received the call we were at my mother-in-law and father-in-law's house. I believe I was watching a webcam to view the cruise port in Port Everglades where my brother and sister-in-law were boarding Oasis of the Seas for their first cruise.

Kaili got the call and we panicked/froze in place. Then after a few seconds we rushed out the door and got in the car to head up to the house. About a minute later it smacked me in the face...everything is going to be gone and it probably already is. That's because we lived in a 27 foot camper and while they're a great option for cozy and frugal living, they are basically huge tinder boxes that go up in flames in a hurry. I'll never know exactly what caused the fire, though I have my suspicions and I'll never know where the flame started and how long it took to really go up, or whether I might have been able to put it out with our small fire extinguisher or not, but I'll forever be grateful that I wasn't inside when it happened because who knows how that might have played out. Maybe I would have been in the shower and not known until it was too late or maybe I'd have been asleep in the bed and been blocked from getting out. And I'm glad that Kaili hadn't gone up to the camper right after church like she had been planning.

The decision to live in a camper was one that took some time and wasn't arrived at lightly. I was always fascinated with the Tiny House movement but I'm not handy enough to build my own and the ones that are professionally built seem to be pretty expensive. After we went to the Tulsa boat and RV show we came away thinking that a camper could be a viable option. The appeal was that we could own it, it would cost much less than rent if we put it on someone's property, and with it being small it would force us to carefully consider each and every item we allowed into our lives and in doing so, keep us from buying stuff all the time.

After looking at all that Craigslist had to offer we found one we loved, took out $6,500 cash, and drove 2 hours to go pick it up. It would be our first home once we got married on May 23rd, 2015.

It wasn't perfect by any stretch. There was some wood that was water damaged, mice found their way in somehow and made us appreciate sticky traps after a few nights of terror that was exponentially greater than the size of the source, and it was either really hot in the summer or cold in the winter, but I can't tell you how much we loved our little "Homper" (Home/Camper).

We retrofitted the back quarter of it to be a pretty nice little closet, upgraded the shower head from one that was basically a trickle to one that had pressure and actually made it enjoyable, and we learned how to cook nice little meals in our micro-sized kitchen/living room. It was truly home for us, our own little space, and while we saw so many of our peers buying nice looking modern brick homes, we felt like it was enough for us.

Quite honestly, camper living was in large part a reaction to student debt for us. We had a great undergrad experience but had to take on a lot of debt to have that experience. Rather than complain, we felt like we could do something radically different to try to swing the pendulum back in the right direction. We felt like it was a good plan.

Our plans went out of the window on December 18th, 2016. I guess up in flames would make more sense though right? (*Please Laugh*)

As soon as we got to the highway we looked north and saw a huge billow of black smoke filling the sky. I knew there would likely be nothing left by the time we got there. When we arrived at the property where Kaili's grandparents also lived, there was a police officer on the scene to keep everyone a safe distance away until the firefighters arrived to take over and there was so much smoke all around. We could see the camper over the top of the wooden fence that surrounded the property and it was already burned halfway down the aluminum walls. There was no saving anything, no playing out the scenario we all talk about of "what's the one thing you would grab to take with you if your house was on fire."

In a matter of minutes the flames reached the roof of the house and now saving it was the firefighters priority. Unfortunately it was one of the coldest days of the winter and the ground was frozen so the hydrants didn't work. The trucks had some water in their reservoir but not enough to aggressively attack the flames. They had to wait for tankards of water to arrive to a rural location. It soon became apparent that the house was at major risk of being a total loss. We walked over to a car on the street that belonged to a neighbor and we talked to Kaili's grandmother who told us that their cat was still in the house. Kaili wanted to run to the back door to open it and let him out but I was concerned about the gas tank exploding or her being injured and I wasn't feeling particularly heroic in that moment so I just kept her from being. The risk wasn't worth it. I had just lost every item I owned except for what was on me and in my car, I wasn't willing to lose the most important person in my life for the cat.

This all happened in a matter of moments but feels like an eternity when I'm recalling it. When fighting a fire the brave firefighters aren't dealing in hours, they're dealing in seconds and minutes, and despite many of them being volunteers for rural departments, meaning many of them had been called into action while having Sunday lunch with their families after church, they were doing everything in their power to contain the fire and get it under control.

Unfortunately the house was a total loss. The flames spread along the ceiling and they couldn't get enough water to it.

I won't go on and on about the minutia of the fire much longer because I want to cover what happened after, but I will say that there are a few things we experienced that maybe are interesting to you because you would never know it without it happening to you.

The first is that the firefighters are predictably incredible. As I said, these were mainly volunteers from rural departments, on an incredibly cold day. They are putting themselves at risk to save the house. The whole time I was witnessing the fire, we kept reminding ourselves "we've just lost everything but it's just stuff and we still have each other," yet these men and women were risking themselves when the house just contained stuff. After the flames were finally out they would go in repeatedly to retrieve whatever items they could manage and bring them out to the garage. They don't know what's important to you but in their minds they figure maybe they'll come out with an item or two that will bring you some comfort (since we lived in the camper we didn't get any comfort items unfortunately. In the days that would follow we would find things that were ruined but at least recognizable).

The second is that Red Cross is important. I know that we always think of them in times of crisis but until I experienced it firsthand I didn't understand. We were met by a volunteer with the local Red Cross who had us fill out a report and explained how we might go about handling the rebuilding of our lives in the days that would follow. They gave us care kits with some basic toiletries and a toothbrush (the worst toothbrush you'd ever know could exist but they have to make their budget stretch), a stuffed teddy bear, and a white fleece blanket with the Red Cross logo all over it (scratchy and more like something you would wrap furniture in when moving than a soft blanket you would want, but it brought us warmth in that moment and we were so grateful for it), and finally a Visa gift card that was loaded with a few hundred dollars for the purpose of either getting a hotel for a couple nights or buying some things like clothing.

The third thing is that the news crews are amazing at responding. There were tripods with cameras and news reporters on location before the flames were even out. I'll be honest, I know it's their job, but for every bit of good that the firefighters and Red Cross did, seeing the news crews there felt really harmful. While your life is falling apart, it stings to know that there might be people sitting at home watching it on their TV like it's basically an action movie.

So what followed?

We moved into my mother-in-law and father-in-law's house, sleeping in Kaili's old bedroom on her full size bed. We shared a bathroom with her grandparents who moved into the guest room. It was very close quarters, and we didn't know how long it would be like that. It ended up being almost a year.

There were a lot of tears shed for the first week, but personally the direct experience of the event ran its course for me pretty quickly. The first day was just shock and a feeling of powerlessness. The second day was coming back to reality and trying to accept that it really happened. The third day I went up to the property and we tried to dig in the debris to find anything salvageable (no real luck) and I found my favorite old t-shirt, burned up and soaking wet. I held it up and had Kaili take a picture of me as I smiled wide and laughed. I decided that since I couldn't take back what happened, I wasn't going to let it steal all my joy (even if it took quite a bit of it).

The next day I went back to work. I was ready and needed to have some sense of normalcy if I could. I can't begin to tell you how incredibly fortunate I am to work where I do. The people I work with are second to none. Shortly after arriving at the scene that day, I called my boss Aaron and fought back tears so I could ask him if it was okay if I wasn't at work the next morning because my house was on fire. He asked what we needed. I told him I didn't know, but that I didn't have any clothes for work now. He lives probably 45 minutes away and yet in what seemed like less than an hour he and his wife Ashley had gone to Kohl's, purchased a gift card with what I considered to be a way too generous amount of money on it, and brought it to us there in the shadows of the smoke. It allowed Kaili and I to buy a good number of nice items to wear (shoutout Kohl's clearance racks!) and gave us a little spark as we started to figure out what to do.

My first day at work started out with tears. The owner of the company (I won't mention his name because I doubt he would want credit for anything) told me that he heard that Kaili needed a laptop to finish her studies at nursing school so he wanted to give me one of his MacBook Air laptops (I wrapped it and gave it to her for Christmas a few days later) and he handed me a personal check that made a huge difference for us and her grandparents. I also saw a poster in a couple places around the building with a GoFundMe link that Aaron had set up. Many of you who are reading this gave and I didn't have the chance to properly thank you all. I will tell you that the amount of money that came in was so helpful in getting us all back on our feet but it was the number of people who participated in helping us that was most impactful. It would have been so easy to feel alone in the world dealing with this event but you all wouldn't let that happen and it made a huge difference.

We're a year removed from what felt like the end of our world. Kaili became a registered nurse and has been working at Hillcrest Hospital and we moved into a rental house nearby about a month ago and are getting our lives a little more figured out and rebuilt. We still don't have a whole bunch of stuff, but we have everything we need and most importantly, we still have each other to walk through this crazy journey with. The house was leveled and cleared away along with the camper, and only the garage remains.

I still miss our little tiny home, and I regret that we never really took pictures of it, but I'll always think back on our time living there with fondness. A year ago I didn't know if we would be okay, but we made it through one year and I'm glad for life.

Nazarene All-Star Game

I don't write these days. Academia is in the rear view mirror for me and as I continue driving without stopping to get out and stretch I find myself missing it less and less.

But I miss the carved out times and places for thinking that it afforded me.

When I first graduated I tried to force it, to write just to write and hope I found some inspiration once in awhile. I'm not convinced that was a bad practice but in the now nearly six years since I graduated from SNU I've learned a super valuable lesson.

Silence can be an incredibly valuable form of communication.

It's a lesson I'm sure my elders not only knew, but knew I couldn't learn it without putting my foot in my mouth a few too many times until I finally tasted the sweaty fungus tasting broth that my words had brewed. Full disclosure, I still put my foot in my mouth pretty often, but at least I realize much quicker that I've said too much.

In college especially I found myself lost in the allure of drawing hard lines in the sand and then blow harding until I was blue in the face about why being on my side of the line was better than the other. I was wrong plenty, but even when I was right, I was just a jerk a lot of the time.

Us versus Them. That was my way of life, and unfortunately it's become the way of society. Social media makes it too easy to get our opinion out there on anything, including things we don't know much about. It's an infection that is spreading under the surface and attacking our cells at a molecular level.

Silence is sometimes the best way to speak to an issue. But I feel like right now I have something I need to say and I hope you'll bare with me. It's been awhile since I tried to articulate my thoughts this much so this might be a little disjointed or seemingly chaotic.

I grew up Nazarene in a church full of welcoming and kind people. They were very much living with a mentality of "come just as you are." I felt accepted despite not being churched until I started attending in middle school. Despite having doubts about some scripture, despite being a little rough around the edges. That church loved me, they still do. I felt like I always had a home there.

With ONE exception. I never felt welcome to be myself when it came to politics.

I was raised by two parents who more often than not aligned themselves with the Democratic party. They viewed social programs as necessary for some people to get through rough patches. Are there problems with some of those programs? Absolutely. Do some people abuse the system? Absolutely. Do some people find themselves stuck in a life of constant dependence on that assistance? Absolutely. Do some people need that help to get by?

My family did.

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We didn't have a lot of money. They worked as hard as they could. Dad went to work while mom stayed home and tried to teach us from birth through school, trying to give us a head start on school (I'm a first generation college student so it paid off). I'm the oldest of 5 children. Money gets tight when you're feeding 7 mouths and when God blessed our family with twins I can't tell you how excited we all were for not getting just one baby in the house but two at the same time! But having two babies at the same time is expensive. There's no hand me downs and twice as much formula, diapers, etc. My parents were beneficiaries of WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) a government assistance program that helps families with their grocery provisions. In school we also received a lunch card under a program that provided free and reduced lunches based on family income and size. For $2 a week I could get the lunch in the cafeteria every day. Try making a full lunch for $0.40. It was a good deal and subsidized by the rest of the tax payers in the district who weren't receiving free and reduced lunches. Mom still gave me money so I could buy pizza on pizza day or go get the plate of french fries that cost extra. When you're in high school you can be selfish and not think about things like how complicated adult life might be for your parents who are maintaining a household of 5 growing kids, kids who were always wanting to keep up with their peers when it came to clothes, toys, and activities.

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In my church there were only a few families that were made up of people who were Democrats, at least who weren't hiding that they were. "Liberal" was a nasty word that carried with it an image of someone who was viewed as being perhaps "more sinful" than a conservative for lack of a better way of putting it. The Democratic party was identified almost exclusively by a pro-abortion and pro-same-sex marriage stance. In the Church that hasn't really changed has it?

For a long time I found myself in groups where people weren't afraid to tout themselves as Republican and either assumed there were no "liberals" among them they might offend with their words or didn't care. It was very easy to want to closet that part of who I identify myself as. It gave me a reference point that helped me empathize with the homosexual community despite not having a good understanding or exposure to them. I knew it must be even harder for them to be made to feel on the fringes of that micro-society.

What that did to me was make me defensive over time. I found myself arguing on everything, wanting to push back against the opposition and keep them from encroaching over my line in the sand. I figured if I gave an inch they would never give it back. They would move the line and continue to do it every time. I argued out of fear and anger, not a quest for truth.

This past election season was brutal. From the perspective of a Democrat the prospects weren't terribly encouraging. You had Bernie Sanders who I was personally a supporter of but who didn't stand a good chance of being elected because he was a self-labeled "democratic socialist" which was worse than a "liberal" to many, including some Democrats. Then there was Hillary Clinton who has the personality of a jagged rock and despite considerable political experience has had plenty of missteps. And then there were a few other people who were basically fillers and I can't think of their names because they were never going to stand a chance of becoming a President.

On the Republican side it was also a mess. You had Ben Carson who seemed like he had self-performed a lobotomy that rendered him in a perpetual state of relaxation, Mike Huckabee who went from a seemingly genuine and likable Christian man to an insecure kid at the lunch table who was trying to say vile things for shock value to fit in with his bully classmates, and then Ted Cruz and Donald Trump who seemed dead set on exuding a personality of old school American machismo.

John Kasich, who has gotten some good things done in my former home state of Ohio because of his ability to work across the aisle would have gotten my vote over any of the Democratic candidates because I firmly believed he was a man of integrity who was more concerned about doing what was right than whatever the opposing party didn't want him to do.

.......He never stood a chance.

This is the point I want to make with this post. That we as a society are no longer about what is best for our world as a whole but what our side of the line in the sand wants. Much like a sports fan we rally behind our team and want blood. Partisanship reigns today, even in the Church.

And I'm guilty of it.

After the election I admit I struggled. My foot was firmly in my mouth. I viewed (and still view) President Trump as a threat to human decency. In a game of partisan campaigning where both parties tried to demonize the other, Donald Trump was Michael Jordan. Bernie and Hillary tried to play the game but they weren't as good at tapping into the addiction that WE as a society have of being right.

Where I made my mistake was in unfairly categorizing all Trump voters as embodiments of all of his worst attributes instead of the best attributes of conservatism. I wanted to draw my line in the sand and fight. Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, etc. None of those things should identify us as much as American.

Maybe we should all be like NBA basketball players. In the days of Magic Johnson and Larry Bird, of Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley, basketball players didn't like each other most of the time. It was war. You were for your team and nobody else. Today that game is much different. Opposing players are friends who give each other hugs and handshakes before and after the game. Maybe you're a member of the Oklahoma City Thunder, Houston Rockets, Boston Celtics, etc. but you're a member of the National Basketball Association first and foremost. When a player gets a new record high salary the rest of the league celebrates because it means the players are pushing the ceiling higher for future generations. Look at how much money Michael Jordan was paid as a member of the Chicago Bulls and then compare it to the salaries of today. The players battle it out against each other but every year they come together around the middle of the season and play an All-Star game.

It's a friendly exhibition where guys don't play much defense and they all just have fun showing the world what they can do. It drives a lot of people crazy and this year was no different. Both teams played no defense and the score was through the roof. I couldn't help but think that the extra attention that was being paid to how "bad" this game was this year might be in part because we're growing increasingly combative politically and in every facet of our lives.

Politics weren't always a year round obsession. I'm young but from what I understand, politics didn't consume our daily lives like they seem to these days. We didn't constantly remind ourselves of our differences and let those things divide us. We found reasons to identify with each other. We may have been on different teams during election season but we got back together after it was over and focused on being Americans and wanting what was best for America regardless of who came up with the idea.

I wish I could have that world these days.

My denomination used to be this way too. The Church of the Nazarene was formed reluctantly by a group of men and women who found themselves clinging to their previous denominations on the fringes. They came from different regions and doctrines on a variety of subjects. Unlike many of us today, they focused on what made them the same. They called those things the "essentials of the faith" and it was that list of things that they clung to, likely tightest when they found themselves tempted to want to make mountains out of mole hills when it came to the things they didn't agree on. It was a denomination founded on holiness and compromise and humility. Nobody had everything figured out, just the super important stuff.

Learning about the origins of the denomination I grew up in while at SNU, I didn't recognize it from my experiences with it. Realize I'm talking about myself here too. I'm a Nazarene. We aren't (and haven't been) very good at compromise for awhile. Well intentioned legalism creeped into the denomination before I ever joined it and over time the list of "essentials" seemingly has grown (at least in practice) while the list of "non-essentials" is far more limited than it ever was.

Today many of us in the Church are focused on drawing lines in the sand. We focus on our differences and the things we're against rather than the fact that we are unified in Christ and the things Christ was for.

Maybe it's time we set some time aside from our regular combative activities and remember we're all a part of the same community.